A cultist, a triple chinned serial adulterer, a neo-confederate, a crazy Papist and a Lush walk into a bar…

Published January 17, 2012 by republicanfaithchat

Oh wait…that is tonight’s Republican debate. I’ll live blog it right here!

First Question: Newt, why did you attack Mitt so savagely?
Answer: he attacked me first, and I did better with jobs than he did.

To Newt: why are you acting like Barack Obama (by asking socialist questions)?
Answer: if Obama can ask questions, so can I. Obama will ask those questions.

To Newt: why did you be mean to Mittens for his corporate raiding?
Answer: it is good politics.

Mitt answers: I got very rich and did great in business and you can see my great records…and I lead the Olympics in Salt Lake City!!!!! I was a great governor (even if I governed as a Democrat)

To the Lush (aka Rick Perry): you jumped all over Mitt for doing stuff that you would make legal.
Rick: I was a great governor and created millions of jobs…and I visited a steel mill that Mittens closed up and I let people see my tax return!!! How about YOU Mitt????

By the way, we can’t fire our nominee (RFC: why not?)
Oh yeah, regulations suck but Mitt sucks too.

To Mitt: I need more time to get the mud off of me. Mitt: Yeah the steel mill sucked due to foreign steel. See, the Chinese cheat, and that mill was old anyway; we have a shiny new one! Oh yeah, Obama sucks.

To Mitt: American Patent Papers: they went bankrupt but your company made a ton of money. Mitt: Oh yeah, unions suck; we consolidated plants and offered those union lazies jobs at the non-union job. I did great at Staples! I am rich so you should trust me and Obama doesn’t have a jobs plan yet!!! (huh)

To Ron Paul: the Democrat (Jon Huntsman) said that you were too mean. Paul: no, I was just telling the truth and the rest of these people are socialists.

To Santorum: answer. Santorum: the liberals and commies lie about me and Ron Paul quoted them; he is quoting MoveOn.org. I missed a thing or two. Oh yeah, I was a Senator and to had to vote according to my state.

To Santorum: why are you mean to Mitt? Answer: I wasn’t mean until Romney got mean.
To Mitt: answer the question: should convicted felons have the right to vote.
Mitt: I’ll answer the way I want to but the Super Pacs ran that ad and…and remember that blacks are felons and are interested in this.

Mitt: says that people who committed violent crimes shouldn’t be able to vote ever again.
Santorum: Hey Mitt, you let those on parole vote…neener neener.
Mitt: hey I didn’t control that SuperPac run that ad and hey, I had Democrats running my legislature.

Santorum: Mitt, you should have denounced that SuperPac.

Rick: the insiders are having the discussion, let the STATES decide.

Mitt: I agree with the lush…er Rick.

Round One: Santorum 10, Mittens 8, Gingrich 8, Perry 8, Paul 9.

Round Two
Hey Mitt: the Democrat (Huntsman) endorsed you even though he called you a big time flip-flopper with no core values.

Mitt’s answer: Massachusetts was liberal but it went too far when they had embryonic research. Obama is making us like a European welfare state!!!!! I believe in Apple Pie and the American way with a kick-butt MILITARY.

Hey Rick “the lush” : what about these ID laws that the US court stuck down. This is MLK day; so you are saying that State’s Right’s are always supreme even when they do stuff like enforce non-segregation?

Rick’s answer: the federal government sucks (NRLB, immigration, etc.) The EPA and the Justice department sucks. Obama hates organized religion! Those mean old feds won’t give churches money!!!! Christians are persecuted victims!!!!!!

Hey Santorum: should we extend slacker (unemployment) benefits?
Santorum’s answer: 99 weeks is too long; so if we cut them off they’ll find a job easier…let the states do it all. Federal programs sucks. Make unemployment like welfare. Make ’em work, dammit!

Hey Newt: what about the 99’ers? What should the maximum length be?
Newt’s answer: all unemployment compensation should be related to training. WE REPUBLICANS think that WORK is GOOD but that BLACK Barack “foodstamp” Obama (did you remember that he is black) encourages laziness.

To Mitt: how do we recover?
Mitt’s answer: cut taxes on the rich and deregulate business and drill for more oil and build more nukes. President O has opened no new markets while the emerging economies have.

To Ron Paul: you want to reduce the military. South Carolina has lots of military bases and you want to cut US bases.
Paul’s answer: I want the troops on the USA on the home bases and not over seas. I get lots of money from active duty military.
To Paul: but you want to freeze defense spending at 2006 levels.
Paul: defense spending isn’t the same as military spending. I’d be like Ike!

To the candidates: highest tax bracket.
Perry: 10 percent flat
Romney: 25
Santorum: 28
Gingrich: 15 percent
Paul: 0 percent for everyone (economics crankery)

To Mitt: why won’t you release your tax records.
Mitt answers: I will “most likely” do it in April ….”most likely”

To Mitt: your dad was born in Mexico. You still oppose the DREAM act and Mexicans like that. Why?
Mitt’s answer: Mexicans know that Obama sucks. I don’t like illegals (wink, nod).

To Santorum: Obama is ignoring the blacks, don’t you think?
Santorum’s answer: A liberal think tank says that if you work, graduate high school and don’t get knocked up (and knock up someone else). But that mean Obama government wants the charity organizations to follow federal laws if they want federal money.

To Paul: South Carolina imprisons lots of blacks for drugs.
Paul’s answer: minorities ARE punished disproportionally and often for victimless crimes. These drug laws suck. We can’t do much about the discrimination but we should get rid of drug laws.
Note: MLK hated Vietnam and I would have too.

To Gingrich: when I said that black kids ought to be janitors in schools and that blacks don’t know how to work.
Gingrich: I am glad that I said what I did. Unions suck; you could hire thirty kids for the price of one union janitor. Those union people suck.

To Gingrich: but you said that blacks don’t have work ethic.
Gingrich: Obama puts lots of people on food stamps. He really is a food stamp president and if you object to that you are just PC.
Loud cheers from the audience.

Round Two Score card:

10 for Gingrich, 8 for Paul, 9 for everyone else.

Total for the debate:

Total; Santorum 19, Newt 18, Perry 17, Mittens 17, Paul 17.

Round 3:
To Paul: did you say that international law forbade us going after Bin Laden.

Answer: I was ok with going after Bin Laden but we shouldn’t be doing nation building. But we waited 10 years so why couldn’t we have done it with other channels. We should respect other nation’s sovereignty.

Why can’t we capturing people and trying them?

Gingrich: would you kill a Taliban rag head if you knew where he was even if he angered other rag heads?

Gingrich’s answer: Paul’s analogy was dumb (Chinese dissident). Kill them all!!!!

Paul: what did Gingrich say: we do lots of bad things to other countries, don’t do to them what we don’t want to do to us?

Catcalls from the rednecks in the audience.

To Romney: should we negotiate with the Taliban?
Romeny: kill them all! Obama sucks because he announced the withdraw date; WE ARE UNDER ATTACK and we should kill them all!!! Our military needs to be so strong that no one dare attack us!!!

To Mittens: the VP says that we might have to negotiate.
Mittens: we are weak pussies and I’d make us like Rambo.

Santorum: what about Syria?
Santorum: Obama sucks with his Syria policy by trying to talk to them. Obama hates Israel. We need Assad out of there. But we shouldn’t invade them. But we should do something…

To Perry: what about Turkey: the PM likes Hamas, hates Israel and Cyprus. Should they stay in NATO.
Perry’s answer: Go to zero with foreign aid and ask them to justify aid. Obama loves our enemies and hates our allies. Israel and the US ought to be tight.

To Perry: what were you thinking when Paul was talking.

Perry: he should get gonged. I served in the military but Obama hates the military and shouldn’t have urinated on the corpses. (Loud shouts from the hillbillies) But they do worse things. This President HATES the military. He hates the military because he wants to end the wars.

To Paul: what do you say?
Paul: I served in the military too. Remember the Taliban used to be our allies. The Taliban really want us out. It is Al Qeada that hates us, but you are too dumb to distinguish the two.

To Mittens: would you have signed the national defense act?
Mittens: yes. Obama can be trusted here (boos) But Obama still sucks and I’ll be Rambo.

To Santorum: would you have signed the law?
Santorum: Habeus Corpus should apply to US citizens. I’ll maintain that and not answer the question.

To Paul: what say you?
Paul: we can start pre-emptive war, can detain American citizens, the Patriot Act sucks, etc. Let our judicial system work as we have jailed terrorists.

To Perry: what about housing?
Perry: flat tax will help with this. Regulations suck. I was a great governor of a large state. Our housing market is great and growing because I am such a great governor. Balanced budget amendment, etc. Make Congress a part time body, etc.

To Perry: answer my question.
Perry: we don’t need no stinking Freddie and Fannie.

To Mittens: you said that you were surprised that the press didn’t press for specifics for social security and medicare.
Mittens: if you are 55 year old, nothing changes: for the nest generation: lower the inflation growth for high income recipients, means test, premium support program (private option), raise retirement age, get rid of Obamacare.

To Gingrich: what about your social security program?
Gingrich: you can do private investments (voluntary) PSA: can be private. If it falls below social security return rate, we’ll make up the difference. This works great in Chile and will work great here, so says a Harvard guy who worked for Regan.

To Santorum: you want to subsidize some industries with specific tax breaks, why?
Santorum: this isn’t socialist because I proposed it.
Note: Newt and Mitt’s plans are irresponsible. They will increase debts. Don’t do it now. Mitt is milquetoast.

Newt responds: we pay for our plan by cutting the fed’s plans for Blacks and Mexicans. And I balanced the budget (when Clinton was President).

Santorum: you are wrong.
Newt: I have a Harvard man that says I am right and Clinton balanced the budget.

Mittens: Rick is right (Rick Santorum). I was a great governor and I made millions in business.

This round: 8 for Paul, 9 for everyone else.

Total; Santorum 28, Newt 27, Perry 26, Mittens 26, Paul 25.

Round 4
To Mitt: you signed gun laws. why?
Mitt’s answer: because we weren’t ignorant hicks; we could compromise. But Obama sucks. No new gun laws.

To Mitt: have you hunted since 2007?
Mitt’s answer: elk and pheasants But not often. Rick Perry is more macho than I here.

To Rick Santorum: when Bill Clinton was president, you voted for a gun law. Why?
Santorum: we passed an easier law (compromise) and the NRA liked me. Paul sucks. We saved the gun industry with a gun liability limitation bill and he voted against it.

To Paul: what say you?
Paul: get real. It should be a state issue. You don’t have national state tort laws.

Santorum: Paul, we need federal protection .
Paul: tort law is a state function, period.

To Gingrich: super PACS have attacked you for supporting China’s one child bill. What say you?
Gingrich: they lie…if Romeny can’t control his super PAC, how can he run the country? Why doesn’t he denounce the ad?

To Mitten: what say you?
Mittens: I don’t approve the super PACs but I can’t tell them not to run them. Besides, your super Pac ad sucks more (Big Foot caliber hoax).

Newt: ok Mitt, is that a false ad?
Mitt: I’d like to get rid of super pacs?

Mittens: would you like to get rid of superpacs?
Mittens: yes, get rid of McCain-Feingold.

To Perry: more walls? Illegal immigration is down so why the new wall?

Perry: crossings are down because our economy sucks because Obama sucks. Americans LOVE border fences, thousands of troops, drones, fences, security…price is no issue!!!

To Gingrich: what about No Child Left Behind: failure or success?
Gingrich: yes, it sucks. Shrink the department of education, local control, let parents, teachers and students get back to learning.

Final round: 9 apiece.
My score:

Total; Total; Santorum 37, Newt 36, Perry 35, Mittens 35, Paul 34.


2 comments on “A cultist, a triple chinned serial adulterer, a neo-confederate, a crazy Papist and a Lush walk into a bar…

Pingback: Still sick: cold plus the Republican South Carolina Debate
Pingback: Still sick: cold plus the Republican South Carolina Debate (Satanic atheist blog name redacted)

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